I’m A Failure Of A Mom

I feel like a failure as a mother.  But realistically, most of us do at some point in our lives right? It's something that no-one seems to REALLY talk about- not in person, not on social media. Why? Fear- what IF we're the only one feeling that way and we verbalize it and NOW we're "that mom" that everyone side eyes. We always worry about whether we’re doing enough, are we giving them enough love but also enough space? Are we teaching them enough yet letting them learn on their own? Are we raising compassionate, empathetic children while ensuring they can stand up for themselves? Too much sugar? Not enough veggies? Too many carbs? Too little water? Are they happy?  It’s a constant daily struggle as a parent to look like we’re managing and handling life with ease and grace.  And yet behind every confident looking mother is a cowering worrier that she’s totally fucking shit up.  I get it. I’ve been learning more and more that we as mothers are great no matter what we’re doing.  Let your kid watch TV before the age of two? Great.  Don’t? Also great.  Need some time without the munchkins grabbing on your legs or yelling MOM every 3 seconds?  Do it. 

I’ve touched on it before that we DESERVE our own space, our own time.  So this failure as a mother thing isn’t really about that this time.

When I became a mother, I lost part of my brain.  You know what I’m talking about.  Things I used to be great at remembering, were forgotten.  I could start a task, begin another task and literally, completely forget the first task I had started.  I always said “sometimes less important things get pushed out because more important things take precedence. “  I remember when my oldest was a baby, about 4 months old, while she never took a bottle, I was sterilizing some with some soothers on the stove.  I went downstairs with her.  God knows how long later, my dogs were going crazy, running up and down the stairs 100 times. I finally got up to see what their issue was and when I opened the door to go upstairs I was hit with a wall of thick smoke.  I still had no clue what was happening until I ran into the kitchen.  Shit. I totally forgot about the bottles. The water had completely evaporated and the bottles, nipples and soothers were melted to nothing.  It had not started a fire but the smoke was thick.  I had to sleep out of the house for 2 days with the baby while the house cleared.   I was asked “how the hell could I forget this?” …..I had no idea. 

As a mother with a partner that lives with her, it was hard enough keeping track of all that life demands.  As a mother, a single mother, and the only adult in the home, I’ve found it infinitely harder.   For those who may feel like single parents, with a significant other that may not always be helpful, or is working so much that you feel like everything rests on your shoulders, I feel you.  However, I know it’s different.   When I began being the sole adult in the home, the additional duties that I had never (or rarely) had to worry about were now mine.  I sat and wrote down the things that I knew I would have to address and learn and take care of; things like changing the filters in the furnace, cleaning the gutters, maintaining the pond,  how to prep the sprinklers for the winter, outdoor maintenance, what was in the attic?  And then to take over paying all the bills; something I never had to worry about before.  All of these, totally normal life requirements, but still “new” to me.

So here’s where the “failure as a mother” comment comes in; there are certain things that may be important, whether to me, or someone else, that simply slip. 

For example, renewing health cards.  First, let me start by saying why the fuck to children health cards expire? Like, for real.  Second, remembering to go to Service Canada to renew them, it sits under “keeping kids alive, keeping the roof over our head and heat and water on”….so it’s not super high on my list of things I need to focus on. So when my child got sick and needed to go to the hospital, imagine my surprise when her health card had been expired for almost a year!  Does not having their health card in hand at the clinic mean they won’t get care? I live in Canada…so nope.  Does that stop me from feeling like a shit? Also, nope.

There are people in my life who cannot understand this process for me.  They can’t wrap their mind around the idea of “forgetting” things like this….or other things.  Well I’ll be damned, I try but for real.  I’d love to say I’m one of those that can remember everything, but shit, sometimes I can’t even remember to text my friends back! (Sorry!).  So in these moments, it’s how I feel like a failure. 

So I cry.  I wallow. I lament on my inability to be “perfect”.  For. A. Moment.

Then I say to myself “In the grand scheme of life, how important is it to worry about this? How much does this REALLY matter?”  Because guess what? My kids are alive. They’re fed. They’re happy.  They’re assholes.  They’re defiant.  They’re loving. They’re kind. They’re loving. They’re really fucking smart. They are kids. They have a roof over their head….and luckily, a damn good one.  They have food in their bellies (even if they think my delicious dinners are gross before trying them or if that food consists of 12 yogurts and 3 cheese sticks and a half box of crackers.).  And they have parents and infinite family and friends who love them dearly.

I’m trying to accept my “failures” here…. And regardless of what I tell myself, it still doesn’t make me feel like a super mom.