Alone With My Flaws

Feeling alone is the worst feeling in the world.

Even when people are around you, the feeling of being alone can be stronger than ever. The mind can isolate you and tell you, convince you that life isn't worth it. That no one cares anyhow and no one would notice. And if one were to allow those thoughts to take over the results could be devastating. I will admit the feelings of being alone have haunted me. Have whispered over and over "nothing you do matters" almost to the point that I begin to believe it.

And I did believe it. I'd like to say I didn't, but I'd be lying. I let it define me- I let it take over and I fell. I fell into the trap of believing what my "loneliness" convinced me of.

But lets be real, it wasn't being alone that was doing it, it was FEELING alone.

It was the worthless feeling that was brought upon the intense rejection of what I thought my life was. If the person who vowed to be by my side, who created these perfect little humans with me, could discard me like I was yesterdays paper, was I worth anything? Would everyone else suddenly see that I was disposable, of little worth and the cycle of leaving would continue with everyone else I loved. Would my kids look at me like I was a failure, not good enough? So I believed it.

But then the rage side of me kicks in...the side that says Fuck you.

I AM worth it. I AM valuable. I AM a good person. I AM an amazing mother. I AM loved.

And I push myself. I push myself to be better. I push myself to keep past the negative. I push myself to remember all the positives. I push. And I push. And I push. And when someone tries to knock me down, tries to convince me that I am anything other than loved and valued and worth it, I push harder. Because life? Life is fucking hard. Living in this world where everyone expects perfection from everyone else. The perfect mother. The perfect children. The perfect house. The perfect cook. The perfect housekeeper. The perfect wife. The perfect citizen. The perfect humanitarian. The perfect human being. Perfect perfect perfect. And guess what? Perfect is different to everyone! While one may see only the flaws. Only the mistakes. Another will see the good. So we are all amazing. And if only we could see ourselves through the eyes of someone who truly loves us. Imagine that? Imagine the feeling a person would have if they could only see themselves the way others do?

Know what I want? I want to see myself through the eyes of my children. They love me. Flaws and all.