One Year
As I reflect on the past 365 days, I can unequivocally say that it was the craziest roller coaster ride I have ever been on, creating the hardest year of my life.
We roll through our lives, with ideas in mind of the direction which your life is heading. Each day rolling into the next; weeks, months and years pass and we are following this path that we thought was ours. One day, it hits us, like a freight train, not just altering your path, but rather completely annihilating it. What’s left is a pile of rubble, broken pieces with little semblance of what once was. And we’re here to try to make sense of what just happened. We look into the distance and all we see is an empty field beyond this pile of rubble. Where the fuck do you go from there? So you sit down to assess and before you realize, you’re faced with a choice: let this define you and crumble with it or go out, start rebuilding and create your own definition.
An entire trip around the sun has occurred since my path was broken. I’m not going to lie, I let it define me. I’d love to say that I pulled my shit together and started rebuilding, but I didn’t. And you know what? That is ok. There isn’t a soul on earth that would expect someone to just jump right into rebuilding without a little bit of fear time.
I finally sat down to read some of my journals; a whole year and I finally did it. When I write, I just write. I don’t think. And it isn’t until I re-read through what I just wrote, that I feel the gravity, the feelings, the emotions, recognize the revelations and feel whole-heartedly what my heart is writing. I knew that reading them would bring me right back to those moments, which is why I avoided doing so. I wasn’t strong enough to handle reliving it ….until now.
During this first half of this year, medically, my body was shutting down. Sickness plagued me, a brush with death, twice, and continuing with so many medications and diagnostic tests that I was a walking glow stick.
Mentally, my mind was dying. I was working on autopilot. I was functioning only because I HAD to. I had to because of work. Because of my business. Most importantly, because of my three beautiful littles who needed me.
It took me 8 months before I took control and decided that I had to pull my shit together. I was tired of each day just passing by without living it. It was time to FEEL. Time to LIVE. I needed ME. I needed ME BACK. But who the fuck was that? The dissolution of a relationship that spanned half a lifetime, of a marriage that spanned a decade was quite literally killing my body and spirit. And if I didn’t do something, my girls would lose me. Be it in a physical sense because of medical conditions, or worse, physically present but mentally dead because I couldn’t pull myself out. No way. My children are my everything and they need their mother. But who was I? I began to realize I had a hard time recognizing myself.
Cue my trip of self discovery to the East Coast. It wasn’t planned. I decided within less than three weeks of my departure that I was going and that’s about as far as the planning got. For three weeks I travelled alone, stopping where and when I chose. Photographing the beauty of life around me. Journaling and talking to myself about what I wanted for my future, for my girls, for myself. Determining which parts of me over the last few years were truly me, and which parts were fabricated. Deciding what parts of me I wished to change, which parts of me I wished to reintroduce and which parts of me would stay. This trip brought upon the decision to leave the Veterinary profession and accept the position at Bounce Hair Boutique offered to me just before I left for my trip. It also brought back some of me. And that’s what I have continued to try to nurture. Me.
Do I sometimes feel selfish for this? Absolutely. As a mother, society tells us that in order to be amazing mothers, we must devote ourselves and immerse ourselves into our children and motherhood. It means neglecting our physical appearance, wearing a “mom bun”, never getting out of clothes that can all at once be worn out, to the gym or sleeping, eating cold food, staying home and putting every ounce of energy into our tiny clones. Over this past year, but primarily over the last 4 months, I have learned that some amazing mothers practice amazing self love. Does it mean that mothers who do immerse themselves into their children are not amazing mothers? Absolutely not. But it also means that a mother that takes the time for herself, is just as equally amazing. What I think is the result, is a healthier mental state when a mother takes time to be a woman, a friend, a person; separate from motherhood. So, while I continue to devote myself to raising my daughters in the best sense that I can, I’m also going to continue my growth as a woman.
Ok. There it is. In writing. In print. It took me until very recently to be able to say “publically” that my marriage ended. Is it anyone’s business? No. But I’m ready to really begin to heal and move on. Today marks 365 days of this. Thus, here I am, being open and honest. I’ve been writing a lot lately, and I will continue to share. It’s always been cathartic for me, and once it’s truly out in the universe, it forces me to face it, recognize it and accept it. But as I continue, I plan on being about as real as one can be with their emotions, feelings and thoughts. I can only hope that those who are in the beginning days or weeks or months or even years of their paths destruction journey, can see themselves and find solace in knowing they aren’t alone.
Today is day 1. Day 1 after 365. Day 1 after 365 days, after 6200 days.
Today is day 1. Wonder how day 2 will be.
