Who Gets The Friends in the Divorce?

I don’t really have any divorce “role models”….my parents are still together, all my high school friends are still together, even my work friends are still together. I have maybe two people I know that have separated and they’re still figuring it out. That in itself feels incredibly isolating.

And within my group of high school friends…almost all of them have been with their spouse SINCE HIGHSCHOOL or the friendship started and the dating began shortly after. I love my friends dearly- LOVE. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to continue as normal when we’re all together. My ex and I had started as friends in grade 10 and it turned into a relationship. This meant that he was ALSO in our group of friends. Everyone was close with everyone. I very clearly remember wanting them to NOT choose sides; I even told them that. Please don’t choose sides, you can still be friends with both of us. And I was truthful but I think deep down I wanted them to choose ME. Say Fuck that guy, you’re our friend. But they didn’t- but they did at the same time. It was so painful in the first year that I couldn’t handle it. What I WANTED was for everything to be ok- and I was NOT.

What happens when you and your girlfriends get together? You talk about life, lives, kids, and your spouse. Perhaps it’s some crazy thing that happened, or some mundane bitching that is so common in marriages.

But let me tell you what it felt like for me when I would be all together; I felt like I wanted to SCREAM. I wanted to scream from the rooftops THAT IS FUCKING MINISCULE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. What the fuck does that matter? Is it THAT awful? I’m DROWNING here and wish like hell I could just go back to mundane bitching about life and my partner. It really killed me inside. These are my best friends and I wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up. And that made me feel FUCKING AWFUL. Because that’s not fair. It’s not fair to them at all. They deserve to also have a safe space to vent and be supported and I was wanting them to stop. U.N.F.A.I.R. But when I was in the thick of it, I couldn't figure out how to not have these knee jerk reactions. And I said nothing. I never vocalized my thoughts or feelings or hurt or shame. And I just let life continue on.

It hurt so goddamn much to be around all these people that had been part of our lives the ENTIRE time. To be around all these people whose relationships that were just as, almost as or longer than mine still be thriving. And those thoughts made me a fucking asshole and I HATED it.

So what did I do?

I pulled away. I pulled way back. I couldn’t handle it. I just …..dipped.

All of this was unfair to everyone. I just moved along, feeling these feelings until I didn’t. And by the time I didn’t, I had pulled too far back. Life kept going, I missed out on so many things; because my own life kept going and I wasn’t always able to make it now that I was a single parent. And then it just felt complacent, and awkward. And I still regret that to this day.