Swipe Left, Swipe Right
January 20 2018. Its a Saturday. The girls are with their dad. And I have ordered an obscene amount of Red Lobster through Uber Eats to smorgasbord around me on my bed, while I watch Netflix.
I open up my App Store and search it up. It being “Bumble”, the dating app. AGUUSUGHS What am I doing!?!? I HAVE NO IDEA. Why Bumble? Well….thats the only one that the woman has to send the first message and men can’t just send random d*ck pics on their own. So….I figure I won’t wake up to 100 dicks in my inbox in the morning.
I spent SIX HOURS trying to decide on SIX PHOTOS (thank goodness I’m literally do fuck all and laying around). I sent every one of them to my best guy friend and my guy cousin with “BUT DOES THIS ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE ME IN REAL LIFE” with each of them. Obviously…..I’m putting myself out there to be judged pretty much solely on my looks….so I want the photos to be great photos. BUT at the same time, I don’t use filters, I don’t want to “catfish” anyone and they show up to a date and I look nothing like my photos when they see me in real life. I mean, I am definitely overthinking this…. OR AM I!?
Bio….a bio. Well….I guess nothings better than just being honest and hoping to weed out the assholes? I gotta put that I’m a mom- that’s the most important thing because I am NOT interested in anyone who doesn’t want to be actively part of my children’s lives (when the time is right..not right away AT ALL). So I take the same 6 hours that I was choosing my photos to write my bio. Sheesh. And “No nonsense. Not in the mood for bullshit” at the end.
OKKKK let’s get started BZZ BZZ says my app. So, swipe left for NO, right for YES.
Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left.
What in the actual fuck. Seriously? Ohhhhhh wait, this one looks promising. Oh, we have mutual friends. I’ll just side chat my friend and be like “Heeyyyyyyyy why you been keeping this one a secret?” to which they reply with “WHAT? Ummmmm they’re ENGAGED”. Are you fucking serious?? Ok ok, I get everyones relationships are different but…..if you were in an open relationship, don’t you think it would say that? Because now I’m like EWWW SLEEZEBALL. Ok let’s keep going.
Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Jesus, 60% of these men on here are Electricians (not that I hate electricians but my ex-husbands one and most of these guys have either worked with him, gone to school with him or I am just going to assume….like him. So no thanks. HA!
Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. UMMMMM THATS MY FRIENDS BOYFRIEND. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Screenshot- send to friend. (Listen, I’m not going to sit back and let her keep on with this dude knowing that he’s ACTIVELY on there….) She says “Swipe right on him and see what happens” so I do. And guess what, INSTANT MATCH. He said “thats an old account. I never use it, that must be from a long time ago” (If a man swipes right, the woman is not notified, if she swipes right on that same man, it will be an “instant match” and she can the send a message.) Sooooo that means, in the small amount of time I was on this app, he saw my profile and swiped right on it…so LIAR LIAR.
Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left. Left
POP UP ALERT: “You’re all out of matches. Come back tomorrow to see more”
SO like….THATS IT? THATS THE SELECTION? I RAN OUT?
Sigh. I don’t know if this is for me.
