The Beginning Of My New Me
September 9, 2017
Here is my very real journal entry from this date….a date that would have been my 11th wedding anniversary….
To awaken alone, in a strange town, is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world- Victor E. Franklin
Wow… what a quote today. It's so true. 11 years ago. I was up this early excitement and anticipation before I completely different reason. But I am excited to for Hopewell rocks and 11 years ago, it was to get married. Although if I want to look at it in a different way today at 11 years ago, I was and I am looking to the future. One filled with happiness. It's just that now that means something different. Before it was happiness together our new lives together. Now it's for happiness alone, my new life ahead. I don't regret my life, I don't ever wish I didn't get married. I do wish I could've done things perhaps a bit different tonight and as a statistic but ultimately I can't alter that. I do look back on my wedding day and smile at that time. It was perfect for me. Feels like a good memory and here I am making a new good memory for this day. It's a start of a new me. A new life. This day will hold a new meaning for me now. I'm sure Facebook will be just full of memories of my life as a wife over 11 years and I'm sure if I read them I will cry. But I don't know if the tears are for sadness because I want that back or just because of the life no longer, but I'm moving on. I don't feel as though I want that life back anymore. I don't feel angry I almost feel indifferent. We were just too young and hopeful. But neither of us knew or understood how to be husband or wife. We did what we thought rather than grow together, we grew separately. Well, I always feel as though the brunt of that was on him? Yes, I think so. But I do know I'm at fault too. I could've done things differently, but ultimately if he gave up, he would've no matter what. This is just meant to be and somehow life would figure out a way to get it here. Man, I'm rambling. I probably made no sense. Today will just be a day. I need to just let down my walls and just let whatever emotions come my way be felt. I should get up to shower so I can be on the road right after breakfast. Low tide is at 9 AM so I want to be there as close to that time as possible.
10 AM. I'm at Hopewell Rocks and quite literally sitting on the ocean floor, well, bay floor, writing this. It's a beautiful day maybe 68° and sunny. The sound of water coming in is amazing. I could just stay here… Except I would die since the tide is coming in. Haha. This is love. Love of what is happening right now, not caring if people were staring at me, taking selfies with my tripod… Why should I care what others think? What does it matter? What matters is what I feel about myself! Otherwise, I could come to life for everyone else. And I'm done being what other think I should be. Doing things because it's socially acceptable thing to do. Are people going to like my nose ring? Nope! Do I care? Nope! I lost myself for so long I'm a woman and a mother, but being a mother isn't my definition I am me. And I need to be happy with my life and who I am to be better for everyone else. My kids will always be the reason for living but I also need to make me a priority. Intern they will benefit. I will be nicer happier and a better mom. Normally I'm a people watcher. But lately, I haven't seen any. Because I'm enjoying my sights. Not looking to see who may be judging or looking at me. What a crazy concept! I certainly cross paths and chatted with passerby's for for general I'm focussed here. On me. What I am seeing and enjoying. And I can't wait to show everyone what I saw. What I am. Who I am. One day I'll look back at this and realize this was a turning point, a beginning. 11 years ago this day was the beginning of my marriage.
Today this is the beginning of my life.
