I Want Happiness For My Ex
I was thinking of my marriage last night. He isn’t a bad person. He’s not even a bad guy or terrible husband, we just didn’t work. I will say that I think personal growth is a downfall. He sees no reason to see the world and what is has to offer. And I mean other peoples way of living. Like insight into human nature, human emotions, human drive. He’s perfectly content with his world of how it’s always been done. I will maintain his lack of trying in the end…maybe he thinks he did. But I don’t. Regardless, we just didn't fit. We didn’t grow together from our years of being teenagers, we grew up, but apart. And in order to grow together, we need to be open to it, open that door. Both of us. And he closed it. And that’s ok. My spirit is changing, growing, evolving and not everyone around me will understand it, understand me or understand how to accept it. And that’s ok too. There will be more of this, but one day someone will come wth a spirit that collides and connects with mine.
I have a hard time not adapting to personalities around me. I tend to find myself with subtle changes based on who I am with. I need to watch that. Adapting is great if it works both ways. If I’m the only one adapting or altering, there is the issue. If I’m going to immerse myself into interests someone else, they better try to do the same for me. If I’m excited about your success, your hobby, your excitement, I want the same in return. I want it to be real, unprovoked excitement too. Or at least, real interest and not just haphazardly feigning interest.
I think he and I will be able to be friends. My heart is shifting from wife love back to friendship. Are we going to hang out? Not likely. BUT when we are together, it’s starting to feel like it won’t hurt so much. And I can think about talking to him in a friendly matter and as my friend, he still benefits from my love. I love my friends with my heart and I want them to feel it. If I see something cool that I think my friend would love, I get it. Without strings attached. Truthfully. And I still want him to be happy. Like honest to goodness happy. I want that for both of us. I just feel like if we’re individually happy, this is going to increase our chances of having an easier time coparenting. I don’t wish unhappiness on anyone-and I did love him at one point, and the end of our marriage doesn’t just stop me from hoping he’s happy. Of course I have moments where I wish him to get stung by a bee (he’s not allergic so I’m not wishing death!) but really….I can’t hold on to anger or hate or hurt, that will be the detriment to ME, not anyone else. But I want him to be truly happy, within and with his life.
And truly? I don’t think he is. Not yet anyway. I mean, neither am I. I’m still trying to discover who I am within and then what I want in life. I think his happiness was short-lived after he moved out. A facade. He blamed me for his unhappiness and I still maintain that was from within himself. I feel it when I see him now; a sense of unrest and sadness. And I cannot fix that. And that’s ok.
And I’ll be here just hoping one day he is happy. For him and for me.
